Very sad...

I'm feeling so sad. Where is that cheerful girl that I used to be? I always smiled, I was always happy, nothing could disturb my piece of mind. And what is now? Do I forget what happiness means? Why is every day so stressful to me? Why do I always want to cry, to listen to sad music? Now I understand that I want nothing, really nothing and it's the worst!! Where are my ambitions, where are all my plans, where is real ME? I am scared. I don't want to lose myself. I was planning to find myself, to uncover hidden talents and what is now??? I am afraid and need some help... Nobody cares... Frankly speaking nobody knows. In public I wear mask, I don't want everybody to know my problems, my weaknesses. They think I'm cheerful and positive girl. I must take off my mask because I am fooling everybody who surrounds me, that's unfair.

What's going on with me??? Why was it a problem for me to communicate with...

I said only "Thank you for coming" to a very interesting young man, who works in Baku. It seemed to me that he wanted to start a conversation, but he had a lack of confidence at that moment.
I wrote only the sentence in the very beginning in my blog and went to the assistants and began to talk to them.
I asked about the difference between Peace Corp's Volunteers and workong as assistants in Brilight...
They are working in Baku.
Then 5 minutes later I met with Amanda... she is the first American I spoke to... (She asked me something about e-mail). And at last I met with her.
I am so glad :) she is so sweet!!!
Before the programme she worked as a journalist and she is from New York city.
I told about DVD about N.Y. I had watched yesterday. Next phrase made me extremely happy!!
- Whom do you want to be after graduation?
- I don't know exactly. I am only a first-year student. I'm studying Philology, here in Kyiv-Mohyla Academy, so I have to study for 6 years; and I'm sure my priorities will change.
- Have you ever been to an English-speaking country?
- No...
- Your English is so good.
- Thank you; but I have to improve it all the time. I don't have a possibility to practice it as often as I want.
- Oh, I understand...
And so on. I am so happy. Why didn't I talk to her earlier?
But still Amanda, a very positive and bright person, made me feel better, feeling happy.
Our talk was very interesting. I'd like to keep in touch with her, but I'm sure to take contact information after 5-minute talk wouldn't be polite...))

..

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast.
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

                                                            Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


There are a lot of moments in our life when we feel ourselves too lonely, too unneeded, too sad... It's difficult to fight with such feelings, especially when there is no help, when you have to overcome it by yourself. Everything seems to be too hard and inconceivable ; but we must fight. The whole life is a battlefield. On your way there are a lot of difficulties you come across; but the most important is to overcome a moment when you feel yourself the most powerless, when you think you are on the top of helplessness, because immediately thereafter things will be getting better, black stripes will change their colour into white. Time of your weakness will be far behind you;  moreover you will have to say: "I am a winner!!! I overcame the time of my weakness, I am strong, I didn't break down".

After a While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.

                                                                                            Veronica A. Shoffstall

My Soul Is a Library

Lately I've discovered that my soul is a library. There are a lot of things that everyone has access to; there are things which only close people know about, but there things which I call archives. Not everyone has a possibility to find out what is hidden there... he/she needs a special permission...
One way or another there are people who don't pay attention to what is forbidden or don't care that smth is forbidden... and they burst into your soul without any permission and try to change everything there...